THE BACHELOR’S PAD

life is so absurd. sometimes you’re happy…other times your not!
sometimes you’re eager to go on…sometimes you feel so tired and exhausted.
is this the kind of life that is really for me?

well, i think i don’t deserve this…nobody deserves to have a ruined life. but there are moments when we think we must go on and leave the life that we are into at the present. it’s not an escape. you’ll just have to ask yourself…”do i have to pack my things…and go?”

friends, let’s not fool ourselves. let’s be true. if you we think that it’s right to move on…then go. but if you go and pursue another kind of life, make sure that God is beside you during your decision making.

pack your things now and live!

i dreamt last night and i was a superhero then. i’m trying to chase my enemies – bad people…but suddenly i became a yellow butterfly turned blue! then i hid myself at the top of the tree and then………………………………MY CLOCK ALARMED!

whew! weird!

its colors are green and white…a nice combination for me!
i used to wear it especially when i hang out with my folks. i feel comfortable using it.

i was in a hurry (i’m going somewhere else), while putting my left foot inside the left shoe…, I FAINTED. it sucked my nose that i felt it went down to my lungs. IT WAS TOO AWFUL!

later had i realized that a dead mouse was inside of it. that was a terrible experience!]

MORAL LESSON: CHECK FIRST YOUR SNEAKERS BEFORE YOU WEAR IT, IT MIGHT HAVE MORE THAN A DEAD MOUSE INSIDE OF IT…A BOMB MAY BE.

“The worst thing to be feared is the fear itself”.
I’m a coward. But now I’m trying to be brave in presenting to you my shallow philosophical view on the things and the causes of my fear. But before my knees shake and be fearful that you may not recognize or like this simple speech, let me say to you some words. I would like you, my beloved listeners, to put away first and abolish all your presuppositions and preconceived judgment about the topic of fear. I’m requesting this so, because I want you to grasp and understand without any bias in your mind, what I’m going to impart to you. And please make me not fearful as I speak in front of you for I might not deliver every word as understandable as it must be. I rarely speak in front of a crowd because I don’t have the guts. I call that as a “simple fear”. Why do I say this so? I intended to include those stuffs because they may serve as the opening or the starting point of my presentation and explanation about my account on the things that I fear.

I have a gift – a gift of seeing things, which are unusual and which are beyond the reality of this world. It just came out like a natural phenomenon that comes and goes suddenly or abruptly. It may be a gift or an extra human power but for me it is something to be feared. It’s an abnormal thing and I don’t want to live in a different and unusual life. Maybe it can be called as an act of cowardice but it’s what I feel and you can’t take my fear away from me because it signifies me and it’s my nature. Having an extra sensory perception (ESP as it is commonly called), which is so powerful, and at the same time being fearful or afraid of having it, is somewhat a terrifying combination of two powerful aspects of feelings: both sensory and emotions. Why do I say that it is terrifying? It is my philosophy that I can’t live well or be so at ease if I have these things in me which I can’t accept or I even don’t like. It’s like the attitude of Socrates about intelligence: he has it, but he denies it and remains humble while performing greatly and putting all his effort in the line of philosophy. Well, we have a different case but more or less, the idea goes in one direction – the denying or unacceptance of the things that is existent in oneself.

In addition, this fear that I’m encountering is also due to lack of bravery (of course) and due to my powerful imaginations. Lack of bravery means being so weak and a “never going through” process or “I can’t do” manner. Having powerful imagination means, making the object as an issue of your own fear. Yes I can explain all of these things – from the gift of ESP to imaginations per se, but I’m still afraid. I know the means how to overcome this problem, but sometimes, the means are the ones that fear me and that lead me to be more fearful.
When, where, why, and how do I get fearful? I become afraid whenever I feel something uncanny, observe something that is unusual and see something that is extraordinary or someone who is no longer living. This means that I am a sensual and an emotional being. I can’t resist without light or pretend to be brave or strong even though my balls are shaking and my heart is fast beating because of the fear in the dark. I don’t want to be alone. Never will I be. And I get fearful because I can feel the things that are felt by extra-gifted people. I become fearful because I’m coward and I’m afraid to face the reality in me which sometimes leads me to question if it is really given by God – to see and feel unexplainable things. I don’t have this confidence of facing the reality and I don’t have the guts to conquer what I fear because when my nerves get loose and become so eerie, all the parts of my body agree with each other not to function and to surrender from going through that fear. Moreover, I get fearful through the idea that I might see weird things again the time I’m alone and experience unusual phenomenon through my strong and too sensitive senses. Practically all of my statements answer the questions given at the course of this discourse.

While I was formulating this shallow thought, I imagined that someone or something unusual is just beside me, that’s why I was in a hurry in synthesizing my thoughts. Anyway, I just continued thinking of the fear as a subject of my ideas and making it as a sign that I have a great existence. Truly, fearing the ghosts, seeing and experiencing them, my life became so different and unusual!
“The worst thing to be feared is the fear itself”.

(trying to practice in making essay and then delivering it as speech)

The greatest gift that I received from God is the gift of being “I am”.

My mother gave me the name Paolo. I love it. Whenever somebody calls me by my name, I’m flattered because s/he appreciates my mom’s indelible gift to me. If someone labels me another tag, I feel no different because it’s a sign that I’m existing. It’s also a manifestation of my multi-faceted personality. With those situations I really feel that I am!
Many people had given me harsh judgments. They give immediate impressions, unknowledgeable about my self. Some really hurt me. They are forgiven. Some makes me feel embarrassed. They become my source of strength and inspiration. I freely accept all of their misinterpretations against me, though, I want them to recognize and know the real I – a person who always tries to understand others; a person who is gentle but strong; a person who is all-out giving; a person who is loving and caring; a person who gives what is due for others; and a person who wears his face with no pretense. I am not saying that I’m always good. It just happened that I also possess some of the characteristics or qualities that a real good person has. I also commit mistakes and silliness. I am!
In knowing me, you don’t need a telescope in order to see my inmost being and my deepest thoughts. You don’t have to use magnifying lens so as to view my persona. I’ll make myself nearer and open for you to capture me. I’ll make myself bigger and present so that you wouldn’t waste your time in seeking me. With these, you can make myself yours. But, please, respect me for I also need privacy. Give what is due to me.
People around are my great critics. They always tend to identify me according to their own likeness and image. They only know me in the level of their mind. But I don’t need to make them change their perspective so as for me to be always good and appealing in their eyes. I don’t need to please them and make them believe in me. I’ll just show to them who really I am. I’ll just present them myself as a true person.
I am not the product of their way of thinking. I am not what they want me to be. I am not the image and picture of a person who is in their critical mind. I am what God plans about me. I am who I am! I am Paolo! I am!

(my first piece with Mr. Los Baños’ speech class)