THE BACHELOR’S PAD

life is so absurd. sometimes you’re happy…other times your not!
sometimes you’re eager to go on…sometimes you feel so tired and exhausted.
is this the kind of life that is really for me?

well, i think i don’t deserve this…nobody deserves to have a ruined life. but there are moments when we think we must go on and leave the life that we are into at the present. it’s not an escape. you’ll just have to ask yourself…”do i have to pack my things…and go?”

friends, let’s not fool ourselves. let’s be true. if you we think that it’s right to move on…then go. but if you go and pursue another kind of life, make sure that God is beside you during your decision making.

pack your things now and live!

i dreamt last night and i was a superhero then. i’m trying to chase my enemies – bad people…but suddenly i became a yellow butterfly turned blue! then i hid myself at the top of the tree and then………………………………MY CLOCK ALARMED!

whew! weird!

its colors are green and white…a nice combination for me!
i used to wear it especially when i hang out with my folks. i feel comfortable using it.

i was in a hurry (i’m going somewhere else), while putting my left foot inside the left shoe…, I FAINTED. it sucked my nose that i felt it went down to my lungs. IT WAS TOO AWFUL!

later had i realized that a dead mouse was inside of it. that was a terrible experience!]

MORAL LESSON: CHECK FIRST YOUR SNEAKERS BEFORE YOU WEAR IT, IT MIGHT HAVE MORE THAN A DEAD MOUSE INSIDE OF IT…A BOMB MAY BE.

“The worst thing to be feared is the fear itself”.
I’m a coward. But now I’m trying to be brave in presenting to you my shallow philosophical view on the things and the causes of my fear. But before my knees shake and be fearful that you may not recognize or like this simple speech, let me say to you some words. I would like you, my beloved listeners, to put away first and abolish all your presuppositions and preconceived judgment about the topic of fear. I’m requesting this so, because I want you to grasp and understand without any bias in your mind, what I’m going to impart to you. And please make me not fearful as I speak in front of you for I might not deliver every word as understandable as it must be. I rarely speak in front of a crowd because I don’t have the guts. I call that as a “simple fear”. Why do I say this so? I intended to include those stuffs because they may serve as the opening or the starting point of my presentation and explanation about my account on the things that I fear.

I have a gift – a gift of seeing things, which are unusual and which are beyond the reality of this world. It just came out like a natural phenomenon that comes and goes suddenly or abruptly. It may be a gift or an extra human power but for me it is something to be feared. It’s an abnormal thing and I don’t want to live in a different and unusual life. Maybe it can be called as an act of cowardice but it’s what I feel and you can’t take my fear away from me because it signifies me and it’s my nature. Having an extra sensory perception (ESP as it is commonly called), which is so powerful, and at the same time being fearful or afraid of having it, is somewhat a terrifying combination of two powerful aspects of feelings: both sensory and emotions. Why do I say that it is terrifying? It is my philosophy that I can’t live well or be so at ease if I have these things in me which I can’t accept or I even don’t like. It’s like the attitude of Socrates about intelligence: he has it, but he denies it and remains humble while performing greatly and putting all his effort in the line of philosophy. Well, we have a different case but more or less, the idea goes in one direction – the denying or unacceptance of the things that is existent in oneself.

In addition, this fear that I’m encountering is also due to lack of bravery (of course) and due to my powerful imaginations. Lack of bravery means being so weak and a “never going through” process or “I can’t do” manner. Having powerful imagination means, making the object as an issue of your own fear. Yes I can explain all of these things – from the gift of ESP to imaginations per se, but I’m still afraid. I know the means how to overcome this problem, but sometimes, the means are the ones that fear me and that lead me to be more fearful.
When, where, why, and how do I get fearful? I become afraid whenever I feel something uncanny, observe something that is unusual and see something that is extraordinary or someone who is no longer living. This means that I am a sensual and an emotional being. I can’t resist without light or pretend to be brave or strong even though my balls are shaking and my heart is fast beating because of the fear in the dark. I don’t want to be alone. Never will I be. And I get fearful because I can feel the things that are felt by extra-gifted people. I become fearful because I’m coward and I’m afraid to face the reality in me which sometimes leads me to question if it is really given by God – to see and feel unexplainable things. I don’t have this confidence of facing the reality and I don’t have the guts to conquer what I fear because when my nerves get loose and become so eerie, all the parts of my body agree with each other not to function and to surrender from going through that fear. Moreover, I get fearful through the idea that I might see weird things again the time I’m alone and experience unusual phenomenon through my strong and too sensitive senses. Practically all of my statements answer the questions given at the course of this discourse.

While I was formulating this shallow thought, I imagined that someone or something unusual is just beside me, that’s why I was in a hurry in synthesizing my thoughts. Anyway, I just continued thinking of the fear as a subject of my ideas and making it as a sign that I have a great existence. Truly, fearing the ghosts, seeing and experiencing them, my life became so different and unusual!
“The worst thing to be feared is the fear itself”.

(trying to practice in making essay and then delivering it as speech)

The greatest gift that I received from God is the gift of being “I am”.

My mother gave me the name Paolo. I love it. Whenever somebody calls me by my name, I’m flattered because s/he appreciates my mom’s indelible gift to me. If someone labels me another tag, I feel no different because it’s a sign that I’m existing. It’s also a manifestation of my multi-faceted personality. With those situations I really feel that I am!
Many people had given me harsh judgments. They give immediate impressions, unknowledgeable about my self. Some really hurt me. They are forgiven. Some makes me feel embarrassed. They become my source of strength and inspiration. I freely accept all of their misinterpretations against me, though, I want them to recognize and know the real I – a person who always tries to understand others; a person who is gentle but strong; a person who is all-out giving; a person who is loving and caring; a person who gives what is due for others; and a person who wears his face with no pretense. I am not saying that I’m always good. It just happened that I also possess some of the characteristics or qualities that a real good person has. I also commit mistakes and silliness. I am!
In knowing me, you don’t need a telescope in order to see my inmost being and my deepest thoughts. You don’t have to use magnifying lens so as to view my persona. I’ll make myself nearer and open for you to capture me. I’ll make myself bigger and present so that you wouldn’t waste your time in seeking me. With these, you can make myself yours. But, please, respect me for I also need privacy. Give what is due to me.
People around are my great critics. They always tend to identify me according to their own likeness and image. They only know me in the level of their mind. But I don’t need to make them change their perspective so as for me to be always good and appealing in their eyes. I don’t need to please them and make them believe in me. I’ll just show to them who really I am. I’ll just present them myself as a true person.
I am not the product of their way of thinking. I am not what they want me to be. I am not the image and picture of a person who is in their critical mind. I am what God plans about me. I am who I am! I am Paolo! I am!

(my first piece with Mr. Los Baños’ speech class)

I wonder why all the seminarians are required to submit their thesis during their final stage or year of their philosophy studies. I look at it as an impractical excessive exercise in one’s studies. After all, 3 years of philosophical endeavors, seminarians must have been given or better still bombarded with so many subjects tackling about weird ideas and inconceivable notions; so why should there be a thesis?
I’m now in my fourth year of my philosophy course. And just like all the seminarians who underwent their final year of their studies, I’m also undergoing this so-called intellectual exercise – the thesis making.
Yes, it’s an intellectual exercise. But it’s a brain-clogging practice. It’s a torture of mind. Research here and there, computer works, editing, rewriting, interviews, reading of the materials, etc. These make me go crazy. These things make me put out all of my efforts and sweat, and even take and borrow some of my holy precious moments, my siestas and naps. I am not complaining. I just want you to know how hard it is to make thesis; how hard it is to compile and expand ideas coming from different thoughts and making it as your own.
But this is not the time for me to give-up. This thing even suggests and taps me that I must stand-up, provide a pen and paper, work hard, continue this mind exercise and pursue with my goal. However, this also calls my attention not to forget the principle of “balance in life.” I must not take for granted or set aside other essential things such as community life, personal time, and prayer moments.
Yes, this thesis making, an intellectual exercise, must not just be a opportunity for me to deepen and sharpen my mind and gain more knowledge. This is a call for me to go back to the basic – being simple, innocent and humble. This is an instance for me to learn how to value my time, my work and my endeavors, and how to value the real essentials. This must struck my life so that I may know how to go on as I face trials, succeed as I experience failures, reach my goal as I track different confusing paths and going back to the primitive simplicity, humility and meekness as I see myself boasting and desiring for more.
Thesis making is not just an intellectual exercise. It’s an exercise that betters one’s life.

(desperation in making thesis! i was having a hard time.)

It was Saturday morning, alone in our dorm, I laid on my bed after the exhausting editing of my own thesis. I tried to relax but I wasn’t able not to think of that burdensome thing. Again, ideas are coming out from my head. So many thoughts are banging on my mind. It was uncontrollable. There was an arousal of my “brain libido”. So I had to think and think and think again while in fact my body requires me to take some rest and relaxation at that time. With that, I became unfree. This playful, brilliant brain imprisoned me during that moment.

There is always a point in our life when we have to stop and for pause for a while, and let ourselves be freed from the usual routine or cycle that we are in to. Some may call it as an escape. Well, I respect them with their idea; they are noted. But for me, it’s not a mere “going away from” act. It’s liberty! It’s freedom! Freedom that is inseparable in man’s being. Freedom that is not just to do what one wishes or desires but being one with our own selves again and choosing things responsibly.

There are times when I really feel being deprived of freedom, especially when I’m bombarded with so many things. Even though I want to do other stuffs, still, I can’t because of my pre-occupations here and there. These things really bound me. They make me feel losing my own time and space. It’s a sort of discomfort and captivity.

However, I’m not complaining with the responsibilities that are given to me. In fact, I really love doing those things and works. But there are some instances when I feel like being on my own and just think of nothing else but myself, my pleasure, my freedom and yet I cannot do. No one hinders me from not doing all the things that are entrusted to me but still I feel like always being pressured and running out of time. I always want things to be prioritized rather than offering or giving even a little time for myself. I see my works as if it is the center of my whole life. That’s why I came to a point of desiring for all of those precious moments – being alone and free from any concerns and worries. Yes I want to be free. Free from the bondage of my playful yet enslaving thoughts. Free from the imprisonment of my own moves and too much actions.

Now, I realize how important it is to give and spare time for myself. This time is a good space and occasion for me to forget all of my anxieties and disturbances. I have to calm down and moderate myself from those busy and hectic instances which just enslave me, make me forget the essentials in my life and make me overlook that I’m a free being. I’m not saying that you have to escape from your commitments and responsibilities and complain about them. This is a call not only for me but for all of us that we can be responsible or focused with our works without forgetting the necessary things that we must consider in our formation not only as seminarians but as humans as well. I can always be free. It is only I who make myself unfree because of my narrow and shallow conceiving of the things that are given or prearranged for me.

After thinking and thinking and thinking, while lying on my bed, of my pre-occupations, I decided to take a nap and give favor to the needs of my body. And on that moment, I found myself into the realm of dreams. In my dream there’s a voice whispering and saying, “I am free. I am not free not to be free.”

(my last piece in our speech class)